A friend of mine recently wrote about his third-year adventures in his blog, through his leadership and personal experiences, and inspired me to reflect on the previous year.
It feels weird to think about, as if I'm a world away from it now. Success, failure, love, heartbreak... last year was an emotional roller coaster with chances to learn at every opportunity. Because of the experiences I had sophomore year, I have grown personally, intellectually, and as a leader.
I came into the year with a full plate already: 17 units, a peer mentor for UNIV 102, an active member in the cast of the Vagina Monologues, and as President of the school's Queer-Straight Alliance. I was nervous, unsure of myself, and lacking in confidence, but I managed to perform successfully academically and to the best of my abilities to my students and club members.
Reflecting now, I realize that I probably wasn't well-prepared for some of the things the year required of me. I had a desire to prove myself but little confidence to do it, something I still struggle with at times.
I come into my third year knowing my strengths and weaknesses.
I still have a desire to prove myself, one of my qualities that can be either an asset or a setback. Julie has had to remind me at least a dozen times that I don't need to have my hands in EVERY aspect of student leadership to "prove" myself. After working summer orientations this summer, I have a new found confidence and enthusiasm for working with students. I know how to relate to them and use my experiences to reassure them.
At the same time, I constantly need to remind myself that I am in COLLEGE to be a STUDENT, among other things, but first and foremost a student. I also am a feeler, and need to learn how to think through decisions before instinctively going with what raw emotions tell me. At times, being a feeler has benefited me (in personal relationships, being able to empathize with others), and others, it has been a detriment (impacting others negatively by decisions made because of my own emotional needs).
I went through some of the hardest times I've ever experienced in the spring semester of sophomore year, for several reasons, but times that I realize now are vital to my development. I could not have gotten through any of it without constant support from my friends and family, but ultimately it was me who toughed it out and rose to the occasion, earning my highest semester GPA since being in college. I feel stronger than I ever have before, more independent, less concerned by intimate relationships and things that aren't going to matter in the larger scheme of things. Still there are downsides to these experiences. I enter this year with no intention of dating, no intention of trusting, no intention of "letting anyone in." Some call that cynicism, I call it survival. But the fact that I recognize my own cynicism proves my rising level of consciousness and self-awareness. The pain I was in did not have the potential to change who I was inside, yet I was harsh and sharply unforgiving in the face of it. I am still learning that forgiveness, especially of myself, is a very long process.
There were many challenges in sophomore year, and some of those challenges were self-created. I learned that the greatest obstacle to my happiness was myself and my attitude. It has been a painful and confusing process, and one that I'm still going through, but one that I place highest on my priority list.
This year will be the busiest so far, with a high unit load and my first advanced leadership position of my undergraduate career. But I have every intention of it being the best one.
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