How come blessings only come in disguise?

I am totally grateful of the fact that my heart got completely obliterated not too long ago.
I obviously haven't looked at it this way always. In fact, I was angry, heartbroken, sad and confused for a while.
But I now walk a fine line between being cautious and self-aware and "hard" – so to speak. I look at things much differently now. I shock myself all the time still. Where is the Michal that wouldn't only meet people halfway, but walked most of the way and put in the majority of the effort? Where is the Michal that beat herself up for other people's misjudgments? Where is the Michal that let every tiny negative thing change the course of her day?
Gone, gone, gone. I don't know if those parts of me will ever come back, and I don't think I want them to.
But at the same time I often have to check this new self. I often find myself saying, "I can try and try and if you don't want to meet me halfway, that's on you, boo!" That's fine. I can write nice emails and have a forgiving attitude about people who have hurt me and if they aren't willing to see their own mistakes, that's on them. I don't let it bother me when people blow me off, either. Their loss.
But what about the unchecked, negative and cynical person I can see emerging if I'm not careful?
There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance, between caution and cynicism, between compromise and nonchalance.
As India sings, I need to find the middle.

Hate on me, hater, and let me know how far it gets you!

"Hate on me hater, now or later. 'Cause I'm gonna do me. You'll be mad, baby!"
There isn't any refuting Jill Scott's argument here. People are going to hate, hate, hate, even if I'm being my true and authentic self. People are still going to think I'm being "phony" or "fake" of just find some other way to disapprove of me, but I don't need anyone's approval to be myself. If you don't believe that I'm being me, that's on you and not me.
I have worked hard to prove myself at Sonoma State. I work hard in my academics, I work hard for my students, I work hard to make this school a better place than I found it. I don't pretend to be anyone I'm not in the process. I know that for myself, and whether or not others believe it is up to them.
Why do people hate? That's almost asking the same question as, "why does the sun set?"
We hate or dislike or discredit because we become convinced that it comes along with our basic "human nature," which simply isn't true. It does, however, come with our egos.
There's always a reason for our hating on each other. "She think she better than me!" "I don't like his attitude." "She's always got a facade up." "I don't like the way she acts." And so on, and so forth.
But are these things really the truth, or stories we convince ourselves are real?
I can hate and hate and hate on the people in my past who have caused me pain, and where does it get me? Nowhere, or worse, behind where I started from. I had to learn that the hard way.
I can't help the way people perceive me, and neither can any of us. Because the truth is, I can do all the work I do and bust my hump and try to help as much as I want, and there are always going to be people who don't approve or like what I'm doing. They may dislike my personality. And ironically, the people that make the most judgments about me don't know me well enough to even open their mouths.
But guess what? I'm not going to change anytime soon, so that's on you, boo.

Sociologically wired brain

I have always been observant, even from a young age.
I try to be careful to not make assumptions about how the actions and personalities of individuals tie into a greater social construct, but I have a sociologically wired brain.
I see many things as interconnected to larger social issues. I can think somewhat psychologically, but in my eyes individual traits and assets and behavior are connected to larger influences (birth order, parents' marital status, etc.)
Just this morning I was sitting in my Sociological Research Methods class, and was surprised by something that went on. At the table there were three Latina women, two white men and one white woman. I appear to be the only African American in the class. We were supposed to be discussing our proposed topic for our research proposal. Instead the two men began talking one-on-one, the white woman was quiet for a while, and the two Latina women I was sitting between (who I assume knew each other) began speaking in Spanish. Eventually the third Latina woman chimed in and the three of them began talking, and the white woman had also joined the conversation between the two men.
I may as well have been invisible.
I wasn't particularly offended by the fact that no one paid me any attention or asked me about my research topic; I took it as an opportunity to make observations. The white students, I noticed, were speaking about schedules and where they were from, where the Latina students were speaking about men and machismo, and other things related to their boyfriends and the assumptions they carried as Hispanic men.
I had to try not to assume the reasons behind the differences in conversation, and also not to become irritated with the constant talking through me that was occurring.

I tell the story mostly to highlight my increasingly changing vision. Since I entered the Sociology major, I view things with even more clarity and connect them to what I already understand about particular structures. I'm excited by my opportunity to explore the field more - especially since I can directly relate it to Student Affairs and learn future practices that I can later apply. I have sociological eyesight and I hate to cut this short, but I've got to go observe people in the coffee shop.